


Naughty List

by prescellphone



Category: The Man From U.N.C.L.E. (2015)
Genre: Christmas, F/M, Holiday, Love, Smut, christmas sex is the best sex, gallya, public bathroom sex is also very fun, sex sex sex, tmfu
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-12-17
Updated: 2015-12-17
Packaged: 2018-05-07 05:45:04
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,005
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5445413
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/prescellphone/pseuds/prescellphone
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Public bathroom sex is great when it's between a Russian dressed as a reindeer and a small German as an elf.</p><p>Music: Santa Baby by Daniela Andrade</p>
            </blockquote>





	Naughty List

**Author's Note:**

> I'm not a big fan of this one, but I needed to get out my feelings on Illya with antlers and red nose. More Christmas related stuff should be coming out soon, but I've been really lazy as of late so it might be right before Christmas when that happens :)

* * *

 

       “You’re going to die of laughter.”

       Gaby smirked at Napoleon as he passed her, his fake beard brushing against her. Adjusting her hat, she turned to the cracked open bathroom door.

       “Come on, Illya. You’ll make us late.”

       “I don’t want to do this anymore,” said Illya from inside the bathroom.

       “Oh please, you can’t be much worse than Napoleon and I,” Gaby sighed.

       Across the room, Napoleon fixed his Santa Claus suit in the mirror. Honestly, Gaby was surprised by how good he looked in it. He had begged to wear less clothing, but Gaby was a huge fan of the classic Santa look. Also, if she had to wear this ridiculous elf costume, then Napoleon had to wear the original Santa suit. Her outfit was an ugly green, accessorized with jingle bells and god awful tights. To be frank, Illya had the better costume out of the three of them.

       After another couple minutes, Napoleon shouted, “Jesus, Peril, just come out already.”

       Feeling completely humiliated, Illya stepped out of the bathroom, his hands quivering. He heard a boisterous chuckle from Napoleon, but he expected that. Hearing silence from Gaby’s direction, he was about to look up when a laugh he had only heard once before filled the room. Him and Napoleon whipped their heads over to Gaby, who was laughing hysterically. Her cheeks accented by blush and the red lipstick on her lips emphasizing her perfect smile. Illya felt his face burn in embarrassment, but at the same time, he was more than happy to see Gaby laugh with her gleeful brown eyes.

       Napoleon smiled even more, “Loving the nose, Peril.”

       Illya turned to the mirror and frowned at his reflection. Napoleon was Santa, Gaby an elf, and of course that left Illya to be a reindeer, Rudolph to be exact. He had antlers placed on his head and a large red ball covering his nose. The rest of his clothing was pretty normal, a white button up shirt with a bowtie, suspenders, and some slacks, but the red nose was more humiliating than anything else.

        After a good minute of laughter, Gaby finally began to calm down. She stepped over to Illya and made him face her.

        Biting her lip so she wouldn’t laugh, Gaby fixed his bowtie, “It’s not that you look stupid, but with your grumpy expression and the red nose, I couldn’t help myself.”

        Illya rolled his eyes, his ears burning, “I look ridiculous.”

        Gaby straightened his suspenders, “We all look ridiculous.”

        As Gaby stepped away to grab her jacket, Illya examined her elf outfit with its skirt and hat. He would disagree with her, she looked good.

        Napoleon threw Illya his coat, breaking his gaze, and said, “Are we ready? This is going to be my favorite mission, I think.”

        Illya whispered some choice Russian words under his breath as Gaby pulled him out of the room and they followed Napoleon out into the night.

 

        By the time they had reached the packed shopping center, Illya had tried to back out of the mission at least five times. After multiple jokes from Napoleon about animals and being on all fours, Illya finally got to escape the car, the cold air calming him down.

        As Napoleon walked over to another Santa, Gaby stopped Illya from going inside, her hands tight on the front of his coat.

        Illya looked down at her, “What?”

        Leaning forward, Gaby whispered in his ear, “I’m not wearing anything under these tights.”

        Illya raised his eyebrows as Gaby stepped away, her dark eyes teasing. Maybe he could survive this mission. 

                 

        Once inside the shopping mall, the three of them casually blended in with the mall workers and began their surveillance of a suspected mob member.

        All they had to do was lay low and simply say merry Christmas or happy holidays every once in a while. Waverly had decided since the mall would be ridiculously packed with holiday shoppers that normal surveillance would be impossible, so the costumes had been decided on. He had been right to do so, because the mall was indeed busy and the only way to get close to the store owned by the mob member was stand right across from it. Which Napoleon, Illya, and Gaby had successfully done. But that was the easiest part. The hard part was keeping Illya chill enough to be pushed around by rude shoppers. It was damn near impossible.

         “Merry Christmas!” Napoleon cheerfully waved at a young child.

         Illya turned his back to the crowd, his hands shaking.

         Gaby smiled pleasantly at a family before turning to him and grabbing his hands.

         “Illya, this is one of the easiest missions we’ve ever had and you’re freaking out.”

         Taking a deep breath, Illya heaved out, “I look ridiculous and that kid laughed at me-”

         “You’re upset because some kid laughed at you? Really?” Gaby let out a snort.

          Illya scoffed and turned away from Gaby.

          Napoleon moved to his side and said in his Santa voice, “Having trouble, little boy?”

         “Fuck off, Cowboy.”

         “Ho ho ho, now that’s not very nice. You are definitely going on the naughty list,” Napoleon shook his finger at Illya, his beard covering up most of his smile.

         Illya frowned more and crossed his arms.

         Napoleon fixed his hat before murmuring, “I’m sure you and the elf have done plenty of things to get on the naughty list.”

         “Cowboy-” Illya growled before getting cut off by a little girl stopped in front of them.

         “Are you Rudolph?” she asked with a smile.

         Illya coughed before answering, “I am.”

         “You talk funny,” the girl said blatantly.

         Closing his eyes, Illya didn’t respond.

         “Can I touch your nose?”

       Napoleon gave Illya a little shove and he kneeled down in front of the girl. Gaby turned in time to see the girl smile as her hands touched Illya’s nose and antlers. Her heart tightened at the sight.

       "What do you think?” Illya smirked at the girl’s wide eyes.

       The girl giggled when a woman appeared out of the crowd, her expression frantic before seeing the young girl. She ran up and grabbed the girl.

       “I’m so sorry. She likes to wander off,” the woman straightened her daughter’s dress.

       Napoleon stepped forward, his voice back to its sultry tone, “Oh no problem. You look like you have your hands full.”

       Illya turned away before having to listen to Napoleon try to seduce the woman.

       “Well aren’t you popular?” Gaby teased as she sidled up to him.

       Making sure the target was still in view, Illya finally looked down at Gaby, “Hardly.”

       “She totally adored you,” Gaby waved at a young boy passing by before fixing her skirt.

       Trying not think about what Gaby was wearing underneath her costume, Illya nodded and watched as Napoleon was unsuccessful in his seduction of the mother.

       It was going to be a long night.

                 

       Two hours passed and Illya was tired of faking a smile. His red nose was beginning to itch, Gaby was bending down more than necessary, Napoleon had managed to wrangle two girls into visiting his apartment later, and the mob guy had done nothing at all except move around inside the store.

       Giving up, Illya moved to Napoleon and Gaby and said, “Going to bathroom.”

       He didn’t wait for an answer before finding the restroom sign and making his way to it. Taking off his nose, Illya was surprised to find the bathroom empty as he stood in front of the sink. He splashed water onto his face and was thinking of bailing on Napoleon and Gaby when the bathroom door opened.

       Straightening, Illya wiped the water out of his eyes and jumped when he saw Gaby in the mirror.

       She smiled as Illya said, “Men’s restroom?”

       “I wanted to make sure you were okay,” Gaby stepped towards him, “You didn’t look too happy out there.”

       Illya swallowed, “I hate these costumes.”

       Gaby reached out and ran her hand along one of his suspenders, “I disagree.”

       “Well,” Illya began, “You don’t have to wear this stupid nose.”

        With a jerk on his suspender, Gaby pulled Illya to her and she kissed him heatedly.

       “I think you make one hot reindeer.”

       Illya groaned when Gaby ran a hand over the front of his pants, “Gaby, we’re in a public bathroom.”

       “I’m tired of Napoleon’s flirting and you need to relax. So either we do this or you go back out there and be cheerful for another hour,” Gaby fluttered her eyelashes.

       Deciding easily, Illya kissed her and pushed her against the sink, his leg pressed between her thighs. Gaby whimpered into his mouth.

       Leaning back suddenly, Illya muttered, “People could walk in.”

       “There are stalls,” she replied hastily between kisses.

       Illya nodded as Gaby grinded against him.

       Her voice was weak, “Please.”

       He always liked it when she begged. Attacking her mouth, Illya lifted and carried her into one of the stalls. He scrambled to put the toilet seat down as Gaby pulled on his bottom lip. Finally sitting on the toilet with Gaby on his lap, Illya fumbled with his pants. He tried pulling them down but was instantly stopped by his suspenders.

       Gaby laughed into his lips before helping him unclip them and sliding his pants off. Lifting up her skirt, Gaby groaned when she remembered the tights she was wearing.

       This time, Illya smiled into her mouth before she struggled to remove the tights. Yanking off her elf shoes, Gaby pulled of the irritating tights and crawled back onto Illya’s lap.

       Kissing him roughly, she had just dropped onto him when they heard the bathroom door open. They both froze as a couple of guys came in, their voices echoing in the room. The men discussed trivial things as they went about their business.

       Illya sunk his head into Gaby’s shoulder as she shifted on top of him. Biting her lip at his reaction, Gaby rotated her hips in a circular motion and had just pressed her hand to Illya’s mouth when he let out a small groan. Luckily, the men had turned on the tap water at the same moment. Continuing her action, Gaby watched Illya try to breathe normally, his eyes shut.

       The men left the bathroom not long after and Gaby smirked at Illya’s glare.

       Removing her hand, Gaby murmured lowly against Illya’s mouth, “You almost got us caught.”

       Illya didn’t respond but instead gripped her hips and thrusted into her at a rapid pace. Gaby let out a loud whimper before Illya covered her mouth with his hand. She didn’t last long against the heated speed and with her eyes squeezed shut, she moaned intensely into his hand. Leaning forward to kiss her neck, Illya knew he had never seen a more beautiful sight.

       Continuing on, Illya was reaching for his climax, his moves more frantic, when the door opened again. Halting immediately, Gaby slumped against Illya as they waited for the person to leave.

       “Illya?” Napoleon’s voice asked.

       Illya and Gaby exchanged a nervous look as Napoleon waited for an answer. Illya held his breath.

       Satisfied that he wasn’t there, Napoleon left the bathroom.

       Removing Illya’s hand, Gaby said between heavy breaths, “You have thirty seconds to pull yourself together.”

       Nodding, Illya began again and they both covered each other’s mouths rapidly. Grunting into each other’s hands, Illya brought Gaby to another climax as he hit his. She held onto his shoulders as he rode out his high and eventually stilled underneath her.

       Their hands slid from their mouths as Illya leaned back and Gaby slouched forward, her tongue licking away the sweat on his neck.

       She muttered into his throat, “Merry Christmas.”

       Illya reached up to run a hand through his hair, but was shocked when he felt the antlers still on his head.

       Slumping down, Illya covered his blushed face and mumbled, “The antlers were on the entire time.”

       Gaby let out a sharp laugh before kissing him and saying sensually, “Keep them for later.”

 


End file.
